Opinions

March 21st, 2023

“Welp, my therapist says I have to stop caring about what other people think about me,” I said to my mom sounding both annoyed and inspired at the same time.

She paused for beat before replying, “I didn’t know that about you.”

“What??! How could you not know this about me? I care deeply about what people think about me, like all the time,” I explained, somewhat defensively. My mom knows me better than anyone. How could she not have known this?

“Well, that isn’t the problem I would have picked for you to work on in therapy,” my mom joked before adding, “Maybe you should run these things by me before you go into your sessions.”

I popped off a joke about having mommy issues before asking her why she perceives me as being someone who doesn’t care what people think of me. “Well, for starters, I didn’t raise you that way,” she asserted. She then rattled off a few other concrete examples of things she has witnessed me do as her supporting evidence. Still not convinced by this, I said, “I think I need to take a poll,” before hanging up the phone to call my younger brother.

When he answered I jumped right in, “okay, would you perceive me as being someone who cares too much about what people think about me? There is no wrong answer here. You won’t hurt my feelings. I’m taking a poll.” After several minutes of discourse that involved reframing the question, defining what “too much” means, and one long winded explanation of how caring what others think can be on a spectrum, he finally landed on “no, I don’t think you are a person that cares too much about what people think about you.”

“Alright, but you guys are my family. I need to talk to people at work who have a different perspective of me,” I said, almost desperate to find someone who would agree with me as the existential dread started to set in.

I polled four more people, all of which I trusted to be honest with me. All four said “no” accompanied with varying explanations as to why. One person essentially told me that the only reason she knows I care is because I’ve shared it with her otherwise, she would not have known. And when I explained to a former coworker in detail the ways in which the opinions of others can eat away at me, he said, “I am shocked right now to hear this. I never would have guessed that.”

When I went back to my next session, I became very teary eyed when I told my therapist about my research. “This obviously bothers you,” she said, “Why do you think that is?” The problem this created for me is that I now must figure out how to internally perceive myself the same way other people perceive me. I’ve spent a lifetime doing such a great disservice to myself by over thinking interactions, being self-conscious, and sometimes even avoiding social exchanges because I was terrified of how I would be perceived.

I turned forty this year and as I move into this new decade of life, I’m determined to leave the weight of the opinions of others behind. Caring too much about what others think is really the equivalent of giving up control over yourself and now is as good as time as any to take back that control.

Here is my short list of things I want to be able to do without hesitation. What would your list look like?

1. Say “I’m not finished speaking” when people cut me off.

2. Wear sleeveless tops.

3. Stop replaying conversations in my head after they occur.

4. Take regular random days off from work just to do something fun.

5. Stand up for myself when I feel disrespected.

6. Say no without feeling guilty.

About the photo: Taken in Minneapolis, MN. Minneapolis is a true midwestern experience. The people are nice and there are cheese curds on every menu. I wouldn’t recommend it for a destination vacation, but it does make for a nice layover or in my case, a work trip. When we asked our Uber drivers for recommendations for fun activities, one said he just smokes hookah with his friends and the other suggested Top Golf.