Point 2

May, 2010

It was my 5th week on Weight Watchers. So far to date, my total weight loss was 9.2 pounds. I was doing pretty good. I mean, nine pounds a month for 3 months would be a total of 27 pounds.

But week five I could tell would be totally different. One strawberry pie, a graduate party, two cookouts and a long overdue trip to Dimaggios, I knew this weigh-in wasn’t going to be exactly what I had hoped for.

I stepped on the scale and held my breath. I didn’t want one inhale to trip up the scales. I heard the lady say, “okay you can get off now” followed by the click, click, click, of the calculator. Is this good or bad, I thought, she has to use a calculator to figure it out. She opened her mouth, “The moment of truth,” she said, “you gained .2 pounds.”

“Oh, that’s what I was afraid of,” I replied, hoping that she understood that I knew I didn’t do very good but would try harder next week. And then it happened. Instead of just stopping there she felt the need to continue, “one too many cookouts,” she said half joking, half serious, with a coy smile on her face making me want to puke all over her size four jeans. “yeah, I guess so,” I said politely when on the inside I was burning and thinking to myself, .2 pounds? That just means I haven’t pooped yet today.

Saturday, June 10th, 2023

I hand wrote those words thirteen years ago on a piece of computer paper and tucked it away in a tiny drawer of a desk organizer. I went on the hunt for that story after having a setback this week in my journey to be healthier. On Monday morning I stepped on the scale to discover I had gained a handful of pounds over the last three weeks. Frustrated and defeated, my mind immediately flooded with all the negative thought processes I work so hard not to have. Thoughts like, I didn’t think I was that off track…do I seriously have to write down every single piece of food that enters my body so that I can lose weight…can I not ever just have a break from thinking about this…guess I can’t have a weekend of fun ever again.

After walking myself back from the ledge (and having a good conversation with my boss) my rational mind began to take over. I spent the next two days focusing on eating as clean as possible and within 48 hours I had dropped four of the six pounds the scale had previously reflected, proving once again, it all really is just a number. But even as I write those words, I don’t believe them, because the truth is that I don’t like the number I see.

I’ve spent a lifetime educating myself on healthy eating, weight loss, will power, mental health, and hormones. If knowledge was all it took to lose weight, I wouldn’t be writing this right now. It’s the same with intentions and desires and goals. If those were the requirements to lose weight, I’d look the way I want to. Unfortunately, it takes more than that. If I am not gaining weight, it’s because I’m working really hard to maintain it. There are days where every piece of food that enters my body (or does not enter my body) is a conscience decision and it’s exhausting. Some days I have the bandwidth to reserve space for that energy and some days I do not.

And the messages that are sent to us by our culture are depressing and confusing. I’ve been around long enough to hear it all:

Always eat breakfast unless you are intermittent fasting then don’t eat breakfast. Don’t eat carbs. Unless you do eat carbs then only eat the ones that are healthy. Don’t eat sugar. But do eat sugar if it comes from a natural food. Don’t eat potatoes or bananas. But do eat potatoes and bananas because they have nutrients in them. But only eat half of a banana. You can actually eat anything you want so long as you count your calories. No, count your macros. No, you don’t need to count anything at all so long as you just eat clean foods. Treat yourself. But don’t treat yourself all day, just for one meal or two a week. Only weigh yourself once a week. But don’t weigh yourself, go by how you feel or how your clothes feel or how you look. And be sure to take pictures for progress. Take this shot. Have this surgery. Do this program. High intensity work outs are the key but wait, no, walking is just fine. Use this app. Get this coaching. Drink this shake. But most importantly, just love your body the way it is because after all, it doesn’t define you. But don’t love your body too much because it shouldn’t look like that.

Unsolicited advice is all around us. It’s to the point that when I hear some phrases it takes every ounce of control I have not to go into a blind rage. “Eat a handful of almonds." No, they look like cockroaches and taste like sawdust. They absolutely do not curb my cravings. “Substitute cauliflower.” Absolutely not. Cauliflower is the devil’s vegetable, and you can just get out of here with that nonsense. “Eat that in moderation." I had to google the meaning of that phrase this week because I literally have no idea what that means when it comes to eating healthy. As it turns out, the internet doesn’t either.

One of my personal flaws (or perhaps one of my finer points depending on how I look at it) is that unless I write them down, I struggle to remember facts. But I always remember how something made me feel. When I reflect on my words from 2010 I can remember exactly how I felt that day: defeated, embarrassed, frustrated. I felt the same exact way on Monday morning. I wish I had finished the Weight Watchers story because I don’t recall exactly what I did after that. Most likely I cried and then called a friend to vent. I don’t even remember if I went back for week six. Most likely I did but then dropped out some time after that. None of that even really matters, I suppose. What does matter is that for far too many years I’ve allowed the same situations to trigger in me the same uncomfortable emotions and I’d like to change that. And so, the journey continues.

About the photo: Taken March of 2023 in Boston. My trip to Boston is well deserving of its own post when I get around to it. It has easily become one of my favorite cities to visit. It has it all: history, good food, and beautiful architecture. In this photo, Paul Revere’s house is on the left. Here are some fun facts about Mr. Revere: 1. He did not finish his midnight ride because he was captured but Samuel Prescott did. 2. He did not shout the British are coming. He and his fellow colonists were all British, it would not have made sense to shout such things. 3. He did not become famous until well after his death when a poem was written about him.